


Freeze Your Brain

by sotakeabitofcalpol



Series: Are You Dead? [5]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Family Member Death, I swear, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Last one of these, Logan Angst, Logan is depressed, Self-Harm, Smoking, and pretty suicidal too, human! au, really loads of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 02:25:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19758673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sotakeabitofcalpol/pseuds/sotakeabitofcalpol
Summary: Freeze your brain, suck on the straw get lost in the painHappiness comes when everything numbsLogan Mitchell has always tried his best. He’s had his future planned for years.It’s a shame he doesn’t want one





	Freeze Your Brain

Logan had never been particularly good at feeling things. No reflection on his family; they loved him, and even put up with his tangents and single-mindedness. But he’d always felt things differently. Almost distantly.

Maybe he wasn't in the best state to begin with. It sure as hell wasn't helped by his cousin, then his dad, then his brother committing suicide. He pushed them off into a little box, and had been a happy kid. Just him and his mum, inseparable, staring at the stars from their council house roof, learning, reading. She never stopped encouraging him. And the box stayed locked.

Then she'd been hit by a drunk driver, and he'd been totally alone, left to pick the debris from the broken box out of his psyche.

He'd got a scholarship to medical school, passed his degree with flying colours, not clued anyone in on the shit show that was his brain, and become a doctor. His mum had always wanted that for him. She’d told him that she knew he’d go on to save people.

He was glad she’d told him what to do, because he didn’t want a future. He couldn’t feel anymore. He kinda missed it.

So, the logical solution was to find things that made him feel alive. He quickly discovered, that was pain. But he was careful about it. Nobody could see.

So, he bit by bit sliced up his thighs, and worked himself half to death, and ignored his body as it screamed with neglect, and smoked, and sat on stupidly high rooftops.

He’d never considered suicide, repressed anything to do with it, until he’d been called to help an old friend when her roommate had slit his wrists in their bathtub. For the second time, repression had hit him full force. But he’d been fine. It was summer. He couldn’t do it in summer.

So one night in the winter, he’d laid in the snow until he passed out. He hadn’t seen them, all his family. And when he’d woken up to Patton, almost a stranger back then, smothering him in blankets, he’d sworn to himself he wouldn’t do it again.

He was keeping people alive, hell, he was keeping his housemates alive half the time. People needed him still. His family weren’t waiting on any ‘other side’.

But he didn’t want to be alive. He wanted to live, yes, but he didn’t want to exist.

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics from Freeze Your Brain from Heathers 
> 
> I actually like writing Logan angst, can you tell? Anyways, it should never the last of these, but the series will carry on. Just a little bit different.
> 
> Remember heathens, don’t repress it, confess it
> 
> (I’ve just realised how ironic that is at the end of the Logan story)


End file.
